January 15th.
Brody’s due date is exactly one month away! Feb 15th seemed so far
away when we first learned he was coming into our lives. I like to think back
to that morning as we prepared to head to the airport to go to France. I took
three tests but still could hardly believe it. The whole time we were there
doing work projects and preparing for the music festival I felt so distracted!
But for a good reason. God gave us such joy as we went to the Dr. the morning
after returning home and they confirmed my three tests. We enjoyed every step
of the way as we told family and friends. I was blown away by the response at
our church and when I posted the news on Facebook. The whole time I wanted to
remind people that we were given extremely low odds – less than 1% mind you! I
wanted everyone to join us in praising our God who placed this little life in
ours.
October 2nd will probably remain the most exhausting day of my
life. I remember feeling strange as we headed to our ultrasound appointment. We
were excited to find out blue or pink, but I had a certain uneasiness. I just
wanted to know that everything was fine – and at that point I had no idea of
all the possible diagnoses you can discover at this 20 week anatomy check.
One point I
want to make clear as we enter this last month with our Brody. We are still
just as excited that God granted us this little life to grow inside me, to be
ours. We are perhaps even more excited to meet him and hold him. God is still
just as powerful in initiating life when the odds were against us. He is still
just as good!
Christmas and
New Years were not as hard as I anticipated. All the celebration and fun times
with family and friends helped distract from the pain. I did break down a few
times, but overall they were joyous days. As I’ve been in a flurry of planning
and preparing these last few weeks there have been lots of tears. Granted the
hormones probably aren’t helping! As I pack the cute little clothes we’ve
picked out for him I cry thinking that I’ll only put them on him once. I fold
the blanket my mom made and think of how we’ll bring it home without him. I
call a contact about organ donation who was very sweet and commended me for
being the mother I am to him… which just leads to more tears. I understand the
thought and appreciate the compliment, but then I think of how I don’t really
get to be his mom as I first anticipated. I also talked to a lady about milk donation.
I know I want to pursue this option, but then I wonder how I’ll feel getting up
in the night to pump and not having my boy to hold as I do. Can I really handle
it? I can barely handle talking about it now. We went to the funeral home which
has graciously offered us almost everything for free. We walked through a show
room looking at urns, all while I felt Brody kicking strong. I just nodded and
said thank you through our meeting, and then as we left I barely made it out
the door before losing it. I felt like I had been holding my breath the whole
time we were in there.
I sometimes
hate writing all this down, cause my intention is certainly not to be
depressing or cause anyone pain. There is a curious thing about pain and
suffering though. We all have our different experiences in life that cause
suffering and I think there are two things we all have in common. We want to
know we are not alone in our pain, and yet we want everyone to know our pain is
unique and can’t fully be understood by others. Those can be contradictory
thoughts though. How can we share our pain with others and yet tell them they
can’t possibly understand it? Thankfully we have someone who can understand and
who never leaves us alone. Christ took the weight of the world on him when he
died on the cross. As I was reminded by one of the wisest, strongest, woman I
know, even He, the Son of God, questioned the Father. He knew the purpose He
was born for, and yet He asked if there could be another way.
In my emotional
day that was the 15th, I had moments of, “It’s just not fair!” I
couldn’t even go to Awana and face all the precious children. Then of course I
felt guilty for thinking and feeling that. But as I was reminded, it’s ok.
Christ knows our pain and God did not scorn him for questioning the plan. The
important part of Christ’s example that we need to be careful not to leave out
though is that He still submitted to God’s will. He struggled, suffered, and
questioned, but ultimately trusted and submitted. As I cried last night with
Miah right on up to the last moments of the day, I thought about all these
things. And I felt peace. I felt a moment of His love and assurance surround me
like the warm comforter I snuggled up in. It makes me think now of these verses
– “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in
despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed… Therefore
we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are
being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for
us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what
is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is
unseen is eternal.” II Corinthians 4:8-9 and 16-18
