My dear baby boy, I don’t know how to begin except to say I
love you. These past nine months have
been life changing. I count every single day as a blessing from God, and would
do them all over again.
June 13th, 2013 was a rather exciting day! We
were gathering our things to leave for the airport. Nine of us from FBC
Waynesville were headed to serve in the church I worked with when I lived in
France! Before I hopped in the shower that morning I had my suspicions so I
took a test – positive! Then another – positive! And yes I took a third –
positive! I was floored! Miah came in moments later and just couldn’t believe
it. We were told we had less than 1% chance of getting pregnant, but our God is
far bigger than medical statistics! The whole trip I was distracted as I
contemplated your tiny life forming inside me.
I had wanted to take Jeremiah to France since we started dating and
share that part of my life with him and I was so grateful we were finally able
to be there together, but again, I was a bit preoccupied! J
Coming home we confirmed the tests at the Dr.’s, and began
the exciting process of telling family and friends. The joy we felt… the pride
we had in you our child… the genuine love and happiness we felt from everyone
as they celebrated God’s gift with us… it was truly a blessing from God!
October 2nd will remain engraved in our hearts
and minds forever. Our 20 week ultrasound. I couldn’t wait for that day to go
find out if you were a boy or girl. Still, I was uneasy that morning. I
couldn’t decide why other than wanting to be sure you were healthy above all
else. Seconds into the ultrasound we found out you were a boy! Another joyous
layer of reality to this unfolding story. The ultrasound was taking a long
time, but we didn’t know that was unusual. The tech kept saying she couldn’t
get a good angle and that you were moving too much. I felt nervous, but was
more just wanting to see your little profile and face. That however was the one
thing we couldn’t see as she pressed harder and harder into my abdomen. She left the room and came back in with our
OB. Then the unreal blur began. She placed her hand on my leg and her face
looked extremely concerned. She explained that if she was right about what they
were seeing that you were a baby that would not survive. I was convinced that
they just weren’t seeing things right! But still… I felt like I was dangling
over the edge of a cliff from a thin thread. We were sent to Miami Valley Hospital
to confirm the diagnosis with a specialist who again took a long time… but then
the Dr said one word, “unfortunately…” and our tears began to stream. Was this
really happening? Is this our story? Am I awake?
The days and weeks that followed were flooded with moments
of despair, anger, confusion, and yet other moments of peace, hope, and trust
in our God. The prayers of so many people were probably the only thing keeping
me from letting go of that thin thread. My dear husband, your daddy, was and
still is amazing. He constantly reminded me of God’s promises and the fact that
he had not only us, but you, our dear son’s life in His hands. We quickly
decided on your name – Brody Micah Whitsel. Miah had thought of Brody before we
were even pregnant, and Micah randomly popped into my head during the
ultrasound before the devastating news. We learned that Micah means, “Who is
like our God”, and Brody comes from a Gaelic name that means, “ditch”. Oh no! I
thought… can we still use it? But Miah was quick to point out that when we are
in life’s ditch… who is like our God?! J
Brody, I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed carrying you to
term! Some days it felt like you would never come as I couldn’t wait to see and
hold you, and others felt like each moment of each day was slipping away too
fast as I cried in anticipation of having to let you go. We were determined to
be obedient to God and not end your life earlier than He intended. In our last
month with you I would cry most nights as we went to bed, but your daddy just
kept saying, “We get to hold him! We get to see him soon!” We clung to this
hope and also the fact that you would soon get to be in Jesus’s arms.
At our last OB appointment it was suggested we induce soon
as I was having some hypertension. Driving home that Wednesday before you were
born I sobbed. It was as though the eminence of your arrival took me by
surprise. Friday we went in for a ripening treatment. Emotionally I was doing
well, but physically it was rough! I didn’t care though. I wanted to do
whatever was necessary to bring you safely to our arms. We spent the night at
home and then went back in on Saturday afternoon. It was a beautifully sunny,
blue sky day. I felt a peace as we drove. The sun was like a reminder of
springtime coming. There are times of dark and cold, but warmth and new life
are around the bend.
More treatments came to help get my body ready and the
Pitocin kept being delayed. I was growing anxious, but thankful as well for
each extra moment I had feeling you kick inside me! Sunday morning, after they
broke my water, the pain really kicked in. Your daddy held me as I tried to
walk the hallway and the contractions began coupling. We were finally able to
get an epidural, though it took a while and had to be re-dosed when it didn’t
work on one side. Then God blessed me with some deep sleep! Good thing too as
we didn’t realize yet what was to come.
We were so thankful to have so much family and some close
friends there to encourage us and pray for us before you came. As I started
pushing I was having some pain but we decided not to re-dose again so that I
could feel when I should push. I remember thinking during the first hour – this
is kinda fun! Thank you epidural! Your daddy was making jokes and keeping
everyone entertained. I was just so excited to see and hold you! It’s all I
could think about! I didn’t think about what would come after. The joy of
meeting you and sharing you with the world surpassed all else.
Then the pain began. We discovered you were turned face up
and face first. Your little mouth was the first thing we saw and you were
sticking your tongue out at us! Definitely daddy’s boy. J The pushing and the pain
seemed like it would never end! Your broad shoulders gave us issues, but
everyone was so encouraging – especially your daddy. For a soccer player he
made a good cheerleader! Plus there was quite a crowd in the waiting room
praying for you and me for hours. As were people all across the world! Brody,
who knew you would make such an impact! More people have reached out to us and told
us how much you have meant than we ever could’ve dreamt!
When you finally came I knew immediately that your delivery
had put too much stress on you, and that you were already safe in Jesus’s arms.
I didn’t mind. I just wanted to hold you and take in every inch of your perfect
body. The flurry of nurses and everyone around us disappeared as I took you in
my arms. Voices sounded distant, my pain seemed irrelevant. Your daddy and I
stared at you and took your tiny hands in ours. I can’t explain the love and
joy I felt. You were here! And you are ours. How could God be so gracious and
loving to grant us this gift?! The hours that followed, so very early Monday
morning, were precious. Your daddy and I were surprised by how quickly we
wanted our family to come in and meet you! I was so sad that you were so
bruised, but Miah kept saying – he’s perfect! And I couldn’t have agreed more.
At one point we had everyone who was still at the hospital
join us as Pastor John and Louann led us in a few songs, read some scripture,
and prayed. We thanked God for you. We praised Him as the giver and initiator
of life. And we, with tear filled eyes and deep sorrow in our hearts, gave you
back to our Savior. Your daddy and I so enjoyed spending some time alone with
you. Then, we were thrilled to learn that we would still be able to donate your
heart valves! Later that morning as the time came for the nurses to take you to
surgery, we wept together and prayed that your little heart would give someone
else a chance to live.
My dear Brody, I could go on and on about our sweet moments
with you, and just how very happy I, your mommy, and Miah, your daddy, are to
call you our son. As I’ve contemplated this journey and all the details
surrounding your birth, I’ve certainly had my questions. I asked God… why,
after all we’ve been through did it have to be so physically painful? Why did
your precious little body have to be so bruised? Why couldn’t He have given you
to us alive – even if just for a few minutes? God, in His loving graciousness
gave me some answers. It was your daddy who first said; perhaps it was God’s grace
to us that you were stillborn. Maybe it would’ve been too hard to see you
breath and move, and then have to watch you pass. When you were handed to us
you were already in perfect peace – free from pain, and in the presence of our
Lord! Later when I thought of the pain…
I was grateful. Most moms look forward to a lifetime of giving everything they
can for their children. This was my only chance. I would’ve suffered a million
times more for you, well, because I love you. As for the bruising and trauma to
your body, I’m not sure why, but I know this - it reminds me of how fragile and
temporary this life is. We were made for so much more than this! God created us
to spend a glorious eternity with Him! But our sin has separated us from Him
and caused us all great suffering. We have all experienced different pain and
loss that brings us to a common ground – our need of a savior to bridge the gap
of our sin, back to our sinless creator. Jesus is that bridge! I praise God for
sending His Son to die on the cross for us, and for raising Him from the dead
thereby conquering sin and death!
““Death has been swallowed up in victory.” “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” I Corinthians 15:54-58
““Death has been swallowed up in victory.” “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” I Corinthians 15:54-58
We don’t have to work towards or deserve this salvation that God offers – we’d
never make it! Thankfully it is a free gift that we simply have to accept!
Romans 10:9-10 tells us, “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and
believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and
are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are
saved.”
My precious Brody Micah I thank you for pointing us to God.
For allowing us to marvel at His works, and for reminding us of the hope we
have in Christ and His gift of eternity with Him (and you!) in heaven. Your daddy
and I love you so very very much, and can’t wait to see you again. Love and kisses, with all our hearts, Amy and
Jeremiah, who will always be your mom and dad.
