A moment to remember from May 5th, 2014

Another old Facebook post:

God never ceases to amaze me. You all have seen me post cute little things about the Walton's youngest son Caeson that I get to watch a few days a week. For today's #BrodyBits #Memory Monday I have to tell you how God has ministered to my heart through a three year old. 

I've had the opportunity to watch him since he was 7 or 8 weeks old. After we received Brody's diagnosis, and that again after Brody was born, I feared that it would be difficult to watch Caeson while I grieved. His parents did too and were very gracious in giving us time. God took my fears though and redeemed them to actually comfort and heal my broken heart. While other situations with kids such as Awana and sometimes my piano lessons have been difficult to face, rarely has this been difficult.

It's been interesting to watch the innocence of a three year old through this whole journey. I've been able to talk to him about God, heaven, and the value of life. We talked to Brody in the womb, about knowing and trusting God, about how Jesus died on the cross for us and rose again, about how in doing so He made a way for us to go to heaven... where Brody is now waiting for us. We've talked about how we have to trust Jesus and give Him our heart... so many great things that I pray have planted seeds in Caeson's little heart and mind. 

Today while playing with toys Caeson was singing "Jesus love me". I stopped what I was doing and just smiled and listened. Then Caeson said to himself, "I'm singing for Brody, he will like that. I miss him." Aww! How sweet! Earlier this morning I had to clarify that Brody was a person - not a puppy. To help him understand who Brody is we talked about how Brody grew in my belly just like he did in him mommy's, and just like cousin Lincoln with Aunt Haley, and cousin Owen with Aunt Holly. I could tell it clicked. Perhaps Brody's short life will be remembered someday when Caeson is older and he considers whether to give his life to Christ or not. Perhaps that little seed will sprout and grow and Brody will inspire him, and YOU, to give your life to Jesus, trust Him, follow Him, serve Him, and most of all - love Him.

thoughts from April 8th

from a Facebook post back in April:

So I was doing great the past few days... then Sunday night our families were talking about Easter plans and I just went downhill. It occurred to me how hard that day will be as we watch our nieces and nephews hunt for eggs, take pics in their cute outfits, etc and then I'll really miss Brody and wish he was there to pass around to the family. Anyway, so Monday was rough, and of course gray and rainy too! But then John and LouAnn Mohler saved the day! :) They had my parents and Jeremiah over for dinner and "slime licker". Great food, conversation, and laughs which pulled me out of my funk. I know its ok to have seasons of grief, unexpected ups and downs. Thankful that our God is always the same faithful God in spite of my ever changing feelings!

Been too long...

Silence speaks.

Sometimes its hard to speak, write, reflect. My silence on here lately could make you think a variety of things - and many may be true. It's true that sometimes I'm so upset, mad even, that I can't share. Sometimes life is simply too busy. Sometimes I worry people will tire of my talking about Brody. Sometimes I'm fine and full of hope for the future - but worry it will seem as though I've "moved on".

I have made some posts on Facebook some of which I called #BrodyBits and #MemoryMonday.

Here's one from just 6 weeks postpartum:

6 weeks ago I met my son and kissed him goodbye. Sometimes it doesn't feel real. He was only here for 40 weeks and 2 days. People ask how I'm doing and I say "ok", but part of me is gone. I miss you so much Brody! Having a hard time going to bed tonight. I am "ok" though... and ultimately grateful for Brody, my perfect son, a beautiful gift. I just wish I could hold him tonight... and share pics of his first this or that... and complain about sleepless nights or endless poopy diapers. :) At least I know my boy is safe and happy in Jesus' arms and that he has impacted me and countless others for good. 
Ok, to bed I go. Mommy loves you Brody Micah! ♥

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Remembering Brody today on this National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Although I certainly don't need a special day - I think of him EVERY day! Every time I see his pics around the house, feel the stretch marks on my skin, touch my necklace with his name, walk past the baby department at the store, see other peoples babies and wonder - how old are they? would Brody have been that size by now?
Every time I see that look in Jeremiah's eyes, hear the name Brody called by another parent to their son, teach a child to play piano or see children grow and learn, hear certain songs on the radio... on and on.

I say all this with some pain yes, but moreover with gratitude. I wouldn't trade all the heart ache for the simple fact that I got to hold another life in mine. That God chose us to be his parents. Chose us to carry a burden perhaps, but a blessing in the end.

Thank you God for giving us Brody! It has been an exhausting, heart wrenching journey, but it changed our lives in so many ways - for the better. We will now try to wait patiently until we get to see you again - knowing you are safe in our Heavenly Father's arms, and perhaps playing with so many other sweet babies who didn't stay here long.

And while we wait... we also pray... that God might grant us a brother or sister (or both!) whether biological, adopted, fostered.... we pray!

Day of Hope... Not fear

Today, August 19th, is International Day of Hope - breaking the silence about pregnancy/infant/child loss. One of the goals is to raise awareness of the many Neural Tube Defects that can be fatal (like Brody's). Another is to make those who have experienced a loss or are anticipating one, and perhaps been afraid to share, aware of the many resources out there. I would say - be courageous and share your experience! It is healing and you don't know how it might help someone else. 

My own goal in all this is to encourage all who have walked this road of loss, to not live in fear. When you lose a child your world suddenly gets opened to all the devastating possibilities that COULD happen if you try again. You meet people who've had various diagnoses that lead to loss and it CAN consume you with fear. Fear that you'll lose another, or fear that you'll never conceive again. I have to battle this every day.

I must re-read various verses like:

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 

Isaiah 41:10, 13 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand... For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

2 Timothy 1:7 "for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

And so many others. 

Share, be vulnerable, relate with one another, and move forward in love, not mastered by fear. 

Gratitude

I've had a million things cross my mind that I've wanted to share. We've been busy. Life has been somewhat challenging lately. Distractions abound. Possible frustrations and pitfalls speckle our paths. But one word floats to the top today:
Gratitude.
I have a post I've been working on for MONTHS. Its a thank you post - to countless family, friends, and even strangers who have blessed us along the way. I keep getting held up though because I feel like my words are far too feeble to do justice to the thanks you all deserve! I know its a bad excuse for being so far behind in thank you notes as well... but my heart can't contain the gratitude and my words can't wrap around the thanks we want to express.
Today I choose gratitude, joy, thankfulness. Brody continues to teach us lots about all of these and more. How curious that God would choose to use what to us is a brief life, but to Him is eternal, to teach so many so much. <3
Thank you

Focusing on the good. 2 months later.

My dear Brody Micah, you left us for heaven two months ago now. Time does heal, but the pain will always be there. We will always miss you. But the days do grow brighter and we strive now to focus on all the good things God has done through your precious life.  Don’t get me wrong, there are moments when I cry and I still say, “It’s just not fair!”  Like when your daddy was excited to tell me of his plans for the tree we want to plant in your memory. He’s worked out the details and said maybe someday we could put a bench under it with your name on it. I said I loved that idea! Then his face changed in an instant and he cried, “I don’t want a tree, I want my baby!” And we just held each other and cried together. We miss you so much! I had a moment today where I saw a lady stopped on the sidewalk in front of our house. She was pushing a stroller. My heart sank as I thought about how much I wish I was pushing you in a stroller on a sunny afternoon like this.

But as I said, it is getting a little easier. I’m trying to see God’s little reminders of the hope we have in Him. I was washing dishes earlier and looking out the window. I saw the littlest baby bird hopping around! He was so tiny and cute… but all alone. I wondered if he was ok. It made me think of you, our only son, and your little frail body. Just then, another little bird, perhaps a brother or sister, hopped around the corner over to him and then the two hopped around together and then flew away. I felt like maybe it was a little wink from God. That maybe someday He would grant us a little brother or sister for you.

For now, we just cling to our memories of you. We wonder who might get your heart valves that we were able to donate. We think of the many premature or sick babies that will benefit from the milk I’m donating. We thank God for you and the many lessons you’ve taught us. Like loving our family and friends and cherishing every moment we get with them. I could go on… but for now, your daddy and I just want to say, we love you! Happy two months in heaven!