To my sweet Brody... a summary of our story.

My dear baby boy, I don’t know how to begin except to say I love you.  These past nine months have been life changing. I count every single day as a blessing from God, and would do them all over again.

June 13^th, 2013 was a rather exciting day! We were gathering our things to leave for the airport. Nine of us from FBC Waynesville were headed to serve in the church I worked with when I lived in France! Before I hopped in the shower that morning I had my suspicions so I took a test – positive! Then another – positive! And yes I took a third – positive! I was floored! Miah came in moments later and just couldn’t believe it. We were told we had less than 1% chance of getting pregnant, but our God is far bigger than medical statistics! The whole trip I was distracted as I contemplated your tiny life forming inside me.  I had wanted to take Jeremiah to France since we started dating and share that part of my life with him and I was so grateful we were finally able to be there together, but again, I was a bit preoccupied! J

Coming home we confirmed the tests at the Dr.’s, and began the exciting process of telling family and friends. The joy we felt… the pride we had in you our child… the genuine love and happiness we felt from everyone as they celebrated God’s gift with us… it was truly a blessing from God!

October 2^nd will remain engraved in our hearts and minds forever. Our 20 week ultrasound. I couldn’t wait for that day to go find out if you were a boy or girl. Still, I was uneasy that morning. I couldn’t decide why other than wanting to be sure you were healthy above all else. Seconds into the ultrasound we found out you were a boy! Another joyous layer of reality to this unfolding story. The ultrasound was taking a long time, but we didn’t know that was unusual. The tech kept saying she couldn’t get a good angle and that you were moving too much. I felt nervous, but was more just wanting to see your little profile and face. That however was the one thing we couldn’t see as she pressed harder and harder into my abdomen.  She left the room and came back in with our OB. Then the unreal blur began. She placed her hand on my leg and her face looked extremely concerned. She explained that if she was right about what they were seeing that you were a baby that would not survive. I was convinced that they just weren’t seeing things right! But still… I felt like I was dangling over the edge of a cliff from a thin thread. We were sent to Miami Valley Hospital to confirm the diagnosis with a specialist who again took a long time… but then the Dr said one word, “unfortunately…” and our tears began to stream. Was this really happening? Is this our story? Am I awake?

The days and weeks that followed were flooded with moments of despair, anger, confusion, and yet other moments of peace, hope, and trust in our God. The prayers of so many people were probably the only thing keeping me from letting go of that thin thread. My dear husband, your daddy, was and still is amazing. He constantly reminded me of God’s promises and the fact that he had not only us, but you, our dear son’s life in His hands. We quickly decided on your name – Brody Micah Whitsel. Miah had thought of Brody before we were even pregnant, and Micah randomly popped into my head during the ultrasound before the devastating news. We learned that Micah means, “Who is like our God”, and Brody comes from a Gaelic name that means, “ditch”. Oh no! I thought… can we still use it? But Miah was quick to point out that when we are in life’s ditch… who is like our God?! J

Brody, I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed carrying you to term! Some days it felt like you would never come as I couldn’t wait to see and hold you, and others felt like each moment of each day was slipping away too fast as I cried in anticipation of having to let you go. We were determined to be obedient to God and not end your life earlier than He intended. In our last month with you I would cry most nights as we went to bed, but your daddy just kept saying, “We get to hold him! We get to see him soon!” We clung to this hope and also the fact that you would soon get to be in Jesus’s arms.

At our last OB appointment it was suggested we induce soon as I was having some hypertension. Driving home that Wednesday before you were born I sobbed. It was as though the eminence of your arrival took me by surprise. Friday we went in for a ripening treatment. Emotionally I was doing well, but physically it was rough! I didn’t care though. I wanted to do whatever was necessary to bring you safely to our arms. We spent the night at home and then went back in on Saturday afternoon. It was a beautifully sunny, blue sky day. I felt a peace as we drove. The sun was like a reminder of springtime coming. There are times of dark and cold, but warmth and new life are around the bend.

More treatments came to help get my body ready and the Pitocin kept being delayed. I was growing anxious, but thankful as well for each extra moment I had feeling you kick inside me! Sunday morning, after they broke my water, the pain really kicked in. Your daddy held me as I tried to walk the hallway and the contractions began coupling. We were finally able to get an epidural, though it took a while and had to be re-dosed when it didn’t work on one side. Then God blessed me with some deep sleep! Good thing too as we didn’t realize yet what was to come.

We were so thankful to have so much family and some close friends there to encourage us and pray for us before you came. As I started pushing I was having some pain but we decided not to re-dose again so that I could feel when I should push. I remember thinking during the first hour – this is kinda fun! Thank you epidural! Your daddy was making jokes and keeping everyone entertained. I was just so excited to see and hold you! It’s all I could think about! I didn’t think about what would come after. The joy of meeting you and sharing you with the world surpassed all else.

Then the pain began. We discovered you were turned face up and face first. Your little mouth was the first thing we saw and you were sticking your tongue out at us! Definitely daddy’s boy. J The pushing and the pain seemed like it would never end! Your broad shoulders gave us issues, but everyone was so encouraging – especially your daddy. For a soccer player he made a good cheerleader! Plus there was quite a crowd in the waiting room praying for you and me for hours. As were people all across the world! Brody, who knew you would make such an impact! More people have reached out to us and told us how much you have meant than we ever could’ve dreamt!

When you finally came I knew immediately that your delivery had put too much stress on you, and that you were already safe in Jesus’s arms. I didn’t mind. I just wanted to hold you and take in every inch of your perfect body. The flurry of nurses and everyone around us disappeared as I took you in my arms. Voices sounded distant, my pain seemed irrelevant. Your daddy and I stared at you and took your tiny hands in ours. I can’t explain the love and joy I felt. You were here! And you are ours. How could God be so gracious and loving to grant us this gift?! The hours that followed, so very early Monday morning, were precious. Your daddy and I were surprised by how quickly we wanted our family to come in and meet you! I was so sad that you were so bruised, but Miah kept saying – he’s perfect! And I couldn’t have agreed more.

At one point we had everyone who was still at the hospital join us as Pastor John and Louann led us in a few songs, read some scripture, and prayed. We thanked God for you. We praised Him as the giver and initiator of life. And we, with tear filled eyes and deep sorrow in our hearts, gave you back to our Savior. Your daddy and I so enjoyed spending some time alone with you. Then, we were thrilled to learn that we would still be able to donate your heart valves! Later that morning as the time came for the nurses to take you to surgery, we wept together and prayed that your little heart would give someone else a chance to live.

My dear Brody, I could go on and on about our sweet moments with you, and just how very happy I, your mommy, and Miah, your daddy, are to call you our son. As I’ve contemplated this journey and all the details surrounding your birth, I’ve certainly had my questions. I asked God… why, after all we’ve been through did it have to be so physically painful? Why did your precious little body have to be so bruised? Why couldn’t He have given you to us alive – even if just for a few minutes? God, in His loving graciousness gave me some answers. It was your daddy who first said; perhaps it was God’s grace to us that you were stillborn. Maybe it would’ve been too hard to see you breath and move, and then have to watch you pass. When you were handed to us you were already in perfect peace – free from pain, and in the presence of our Lord!  Later when I thought of the pain… I was grateful. Most moms look forward to a lifetime of giving everything they can for their children. This was my only chance. I would’ve suffered a million times more for you, well, because I love you. As for the bruising and trauma to your body, I’m not sure why, but I know this - it reminds me of how fragile and temporary this life is. We were made for so much more than this! God created us to spend a glorious eternity with Him! But our sin has separated us from Him and caused us all great suffering. We have all experienced different pain and loss that brings us to a common ground – our need of a savior to bridge the gap of our sin, back to our sinless creator. Jesus is that bridge! I praise God for sending His Son to die on the cross for us, and for raising Him from the dead thereby conquering sin and death!
““Death has been swallowed up in victory.”  “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”  The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” I Corinthians 15:54-58

We don’t have to work towards or deserve this salvation that God offers – we’d never make it! Thankfully it is a free gift that we simply have to accept! Romans 10:9-10 tells us, “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.”

My precious Brody Micah I thank you for pointing us to God. For allowing us to marvel at His works, and for reminding us of the hope we have in Christ and His gift of eternity with Him (and you!) in heaven. Your daddy and I love you so very very much, and can’t wait to see you again.  Love and kisses, with all our hearts, Amy and Jeremiah, who will always be your mom and dad.

A good article my brother sent me about ministering to grieving moms (and dads!).
http://www.gracecoversme.com/2014/02/in-her-shoes-ministering-to-women-whove.html
Which so many already have! We can't thank you enough!!!

One month left

January 15^th. Brody’s due date is exactly one month away! Feb 15^th seemed so far away when we first learned he was coming into our lives. I like to think back to that morning as we prepared to head to the airport to go to France. I took three tests but still could hardly believe it. The whole time we were there doing work projects and preparing for the music festival I felt so distracted! But for a good reason. God gave us such joy as we went to the Dr. the morning after returning home and they confirmed my three tests. We enjoyed every step of the way as we told family and friends. I was blown away by the response at our church and when I posted the news on Facebook. The whole time I wanted to remind people that we were given extremely low odds – less than 1% mind you! I wanted everyone to join us in praising our God who placed this little life in ours.

October 2^nd will probably remain the most exhausting day of my life. I remember feeling strange as we headed to our ultrasound appointment. We were excited to find out blue or pink, but I had a certain uneasiness. I just wanted to know that everything was fine – and at that point I had no idea of all the possible diagnoses you can discover at this 20 week anatomy check.

One point I want to make clear as we enter this last month with our Brody. We are still just as excited that God granted us this little life to grow inside me, to be ours. We are perhaps even more excited to meet him and hold him. God is still just as powerful in initiating life when the odds were against us. He is still just as good!

Christmas and New Years were not as hard as I anticipated. All the celebration and fun times with family and friends helped distract from the pain. I did break down a few times, but overall they were joyous days. As I’ve been in a flurry of planning and preparing these last few weeks there have been lots of tears. Granted the hormones probably aren’t helping! As I pack the cute little clothes we’ve picked out for him I cry thinking that I’ll only put them on him once. I fold the blanket my mom made and think of how we’ll bring it home without him. I call a contact about organ donation who was very sweet and commended me for being the mother I am to him… which just leads to more tears. I understand the thought and appreciate the compliment, but then I think of how I don’t really get to be his mom as I first anticipated. I also talked to a lady about milk donation. I know I want to pursue this option, but then I wonder how I’ll feel getting up in the night to pump and not having my boy to hold as I do. Can I really handle it? I can barely handle talking about it now. We went to the funeral home which has graciously offered us almost everything for free. We walked through a show room looking at urns, all while I felt Brody kicking strong. I just nodded and said thank you through our meeting, and then as we left I barely made it out the door before losing it. I felt like I had been holding my breath the whole time we were in there.

I sometimes hate writing all this down, cause my intention is certainly not to be depressing or cause anyone pain. There is a curious thing about pain and suffering though. We all have our different experiences in life that cause suffering and I think there are two things we all have in common. We want to know we are not alone in our pain, and yet we want everyone to know our pain is unique and can’t fully be understood by others. Those can be contradictory thoughts though. How can we share our pain with others and yet tell them they can’t possibly understand it? Thankfully we have someone who can understand and who never leaves us alone. Christ took the weight of the world on him when he died on the cross. As I was reminded by one of the wisest, strongest, woman I know, even He, the Son of God, questioned the Father. He knew the purpose He was born for, and yet He asked if there could be another way. 

In my emotional day that was the 15^th, I had moments of, “It’s just not fair!” I couldn’t even go to Awana and face all the precious children. Then of course I felt guilty for thinking and feeling that. But as I was reminded, it’s ok. Christ knows our pain and God did not scorn him for questioning the plan. The important part of Christ’s example that we need to be careful not to leave out though is that He still submitted to God’s will. He struggled, suffered, and questioned, but ultimately trusted and submitted. As I cried last night with Miah right on up to the last moments of the day, I thought about all these things. And I felt peace. I felt a moment of His love and assurance surround me like the warm comforter I snuggled up in. It makes me think now of these verses – “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed… Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” II Corinthians 4:8-9 and 16-18

Christmas complications... and Hope!

The holidays* can be a time of mixed emotions for many.  This year is no exception for us. I’m a very sentimental person at heart and love holiday traditions. I enjoy the decorations, the special services at church, family get-togethers, the cookies… J. I love memories and symbolism attached to our various ornaments, and though sometimes stressful on the wallet, I enjoy finding gifts for my loved ones. I don’t always enjoy however the business, our cultures over-commercialization and materialism, missing loved ones who’ve passed away, kids whining that they didn’t get as many presents as someone else, and the sometimes awkward family moments. This is not foreign to most of you, the tug on your emotions, and the battle for your time and attention between so many activities and opportunities that are all good – but we just can’t do it all. Many experience loneliness, others regret… The holidays and our emotions can be much like the weather in Ohio – ever changing and never sure what to expect!

This year we’ve added a small stocking with a B on it for our Brody. We also want to get an ornament for him each year. This is his first Christmas… and only. We will enjoy feeling him move – Jeremiah can feel his kicks all the time now. J I think of how he is safe and warm, free from the stresses of this time of year, unconcerned with these mixed emotions.  He is often quite active between 4 and 6 am. Sometimes I’ll get up and “rock” him. I hug my belly and sway and find myself thankful to be awake with him… and I love my sleep and am quite protective of it even! He’s still responding to music – especially when I sing and play at church. This Sunday I sang with my praise team girls a song from Mary’s perspective, “Hallelujah, Light has Come”, and it was almost hard to concentrate as he kicked along with the music. I’m still teaching Zumba thanks to my awesome teaching partner! Brody man often becomes quite active on my drive home from the studio.  I’m thankful to be feeling quite healthy at 33 weeks. I have plenty of aches and pains, especially in my back, ribs, and I get ligament pulls around my belly during Zumba, but my Dr. said everything looks great and the fact that I can still Zumba is wonderful (seriously a life-saver for me!). J  There is just so much to thank God for!  You, my family and friends, have been amazing.  I completely understand that it’s hard to know what to say… or whether to say anything… but Jeremiah and I both have been so blessed by your love, prayers, cards, gifts, and words of encouragement.

This Christmas as I hear messages about Mary, and songs that make you think about her part in the story, I feel a strange and different sort of connection. I’ve heard several times “giving birth to a baby destined to die”… and other similar phrases… and I know we’re talking about the Hope of a baby born to give us life through His death… but I feel a twinge of pain at the commonalities. We too are waiting to give birth to a baby destined to die. I know ultimately we all are… and of course I’m not trying to equate Brody to Jesus… but yet, there are some similarities that bring me joy and hope. Jesus’ birth, life, death, and resurrection were all for the glory of God. He chose out of His love to provide us a way to salvation. Only He could do it, and He should receive all the glory for His perfect will and plan. We know Brody is no exception to God’s perfect plan, and that ultimately his life will bring glory to God. My brother has been sending us devotionals He is writing. He pointed out in one that we as parents often place our hope in our children. We are all sinners however and eventually disappoint. He wrote of Adam and Eve, “Adam and Eve quickly picked up on the promise implied in Genesis 3:15. There would be a “seed” or offspring from the woman who would crush the head of the serpent. Eve rightly gives credit to where credit is due. “God helped me give birth to a man.”(Gen.4:1). There was rightly lots of hope placed on their firstborn son. But, their hopes in their son are quickly dashed as he murders his younger brother. He is not the son who restored their life-bringing relationship with God.”  He later explains, “We too are given glimmers of hope, and we are right to have hope in the birth of our children… to a degree. The birth that we ought to truly put our hope in is a birth that has already happened. For in that birth Hope came to the world. A younger brother has already been born, the Son who is murdered by his brothers. But His blood speaks a better message than Abel’s does (Hebrews 12:24). Our Hope has already been born.”

As we celebrate the birth of Jesus this year, let us remember the cost, remember that we are sinners who would otherwise be hopeless, remember that this is the most important birth we could ever celebrate. Our hope is born in a helpless baby; a promise is given that this life is not all there is. Our pains, our loss, our mixed emotions during the holidays, are nothing compared to the peace and hope given by God through the gift of His Son. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” II Corinthians 4:16-18

*No, I’m not being politically correct, I say ‘holidays’ meaning Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years… I’m definitely a “Merry Christmas” person. J

Miracles

This was also written a few weeks ago... I so hesitated posting as I feel very vulnerable... and I also fear being miss-understood, or upsetting anyone who may have commented on praying for a miracle for us. We certainly appreciate all prayers and understand all comments are well-meant. This is just a glimpse into the struggle and pain for us and also the work God has done in our hearts...

I feel the need to explain how God has worked in our hearts in regards to miracles and whether we believe God still does miracles today and whether or not He will perform a miracle with Brody.

We’ve had many well-meaning people say things like, “Remember, God still does miracles today… I’m believing in a miracle for you… Have you felt him kick? Well see!... etc.” And we’ve even received suggestions to see alternative doctors or try other natural methods.

What hurts is the idea that I have done something wrong. That something is out of line in my body which caused this. That maybe we don’t have enough faith, or need to be corrected for not believing in God’s power. Clearly some just don't totally understand the diagnosis and that it can't just be healed before he's born... apart from a true miracle of God. But here's my thought on that subject. 
I DO believe God still does miracles today. I DON'T believe that He NEEDS US to do anything. He doesn't need us to believe enough, or pray hard enough, or go to certain specialists. If He wants to heal Brody, He can in an instant, all on His own.

I DON'T however believe He will - which is different from whether I believe He CAN or not. When we went to the hospital to have another ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis the tech sent me to the bathroom before trying vaginally. In that moment I prayed fervently, "God, I know if his head isn't there that you can make it be there in an instant, so if it’s your will - let it happen! And let them see it clearly." Well, He didn't, and we got our answer, and it’s ok. 

Us being able to conceive Brody is a miracle in and of itself, and during this pregnancy as we've shared our story with so many we've seen many more miracles as lives have been touched and changed for the better.

Of course I would welcome the miracle of Brody suddenly being fine and able to live past birth... but at this point, knowing that he gets to go back to Jesus and be free from the trials and suffering of this world, all while impacting so many lives... I'm not sure I would change anything. As heart-wrenchingly painful as that is for me his mama to say.

I hope this doesn’t come across as cynical or fatalistic. I just want you the reader to understand how God has worked in our hearts. While it is painful, He has given us peace. We know He is in control and all-powerful. We trust His plan. That is what He has called us to – not to pray hard enough and believe hard enough in a miracle – but to just TRUST HIM, no matter what. We know that all life is a miracle, and that Brody is no exception, no matter how short his life may be. 

Vivid dream

Wrote this several weeks ago after a dream I had. Hasn't been my only Brody dream... but was the most detailed and vivid!

I had the most vivid dream last night. I woke up in the hospital and Jeremiah handed me our baby. I knew it was Brody, but didn’t know how we got there. He said we had an emergency c-section and I couldn’t remember a thing. But there we were with our Brody Micah. I held him and felt nothing but joy! I searched his face and began talking to him and touching his nose and cheeks. He behaved more like a 3 or 4 month old as he smiled and looked around, made noises and reacted to my voice. He was perfect! I was in love. Again, this was a dream, but I didn’t know it yet. It felt completely real. Our family came in and everyone was happy and celebrating and admiring our beautiful baby Brody. Then, it suddenly occurred to me. “Jeremiah! He has a skull! He has hair!” It was short and very straight, almost spikey, and a soft brown. I ran my fingers from his forehead to the back of his neck. It was so perfectly round. “I don’t understand… it’s all there, what does this mean?!” Jeremiah looked confounded and just shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. More family was coming in and I had to go to the bathroom. It was more like a large public bathroom with various patients, nurses, visitors, and doctors alike using it. I was in a fog of shock and pure hope. I washed my hands and saw one of my nurses next to me. I asked her, “is he fine?!” She didn’t seem to understand what I was asking. “Brody, he was diagnosed with anencephaly, but his skull is there! Is he going to live?!” She looked surprised. “He was? Anencephaly? They saw that on the ultrasound? That has to be a mistake, he’s perfectly normal as far as I can tell. I fell on the bathroom floor and wept. People were moving all around me trying not to stare. She laughed and helped me to my feet. “It’s ok! He’s going to be fine!” I couldn’t stop crying (in my dream still!) and I asked her if she could send in the Dr. and could he do any tests like measure brain waves? I needed him to say officially to me and all our family that either the diagnosis was wrong or a miracle had happened. She laughed again and said sure! I went on to explain how they sent us to the hospital for another ultrasound and had a specialist confirm the diagnosis. She just kept looking astonished as though surely they had it wrong all along. Perhaps she couldn’t believe in a miracle. I returned to our hospital room, bustling with family and scooped Brody up into my arms. No one else seemed to realize what I did. I couldn’t speak but then I smelled puke. IN MY DREAM I vividly remember smelling it first and then looking down and seeing he had spit up a little. I smiled and wiped his chin, then kept caressing his perfect head. I can still hear the conversation around me as I was completely focused on Brody. I can see his face and his spikey soft hair. I can nearly feel him in my arms. The Dr. came in and, like the nurse, acted very surprised that we had that diagnosis and half chuckled saying he was just fine!

I think it was at that moment that I suddenly woke up. I lied there unable to move. I didn’t’ open my eyes or move but I was quite clearly awake. Slowly, I realized I had been asleep, and it was all a dream. It was so incredibly real and I was surprised that I didn’t feel a shock of sorrow when realizing it was a dream. It just sunk in very slowly and I didn’t move or open my eyes for fear of forgetting one detail. I willed my mind to hone in on the image of his face, the feel of his soft hair, the sounds he made, how I felt when discovering he would go home with us. I remember in the dream when I fell on the floor crying that one of the first things I told the nurse was that we didn’t even bring a car seat to the hospital! I was afraid to open my eyes cause then I might have lost the image and it would become all the more – just a dream. I was trying to hang on and make it reality. I think I dozed back off because I was startled when my alarm went off; declaring the reality of morning, though I don’t think it was more than a few minutes later. I grabbed it and turned it off and still didn’t move. I was in a strange state of shock. I don’t have time to fall back asleep in the morning as the Walton boys come all of 15 minutes after my alarm so I normally jump out of bed to avoid missing their knock on the door. But I just lied there. I realized I dropped off to sleep again when the real baby Brody woke me up with a kick. I smiled and said “thank you Brody!” I got up and went about my morning routine. The boys came, I got the older two to the bus, came back and had breakfast with Caeson, and then grabbed my computer to save every detail I could remember. I keep replaying it all in my head for fear of the image fading and disappearing from my mind. I can’t decide what to make of it all. I don’t know if I should feel horribly grieved that I had this dream that is likely only to be a tease… a false reality… a dream that will never come true. Or maybe I should feel joy remembering how happy I was in the dream and the chance I had to hold and talk to “Brody”. Should I feel confused? Why would I have this dream? Is God telling me something? Is it just a projection of my deepest hope? Is it the ice cream I had around 9pm the night before?

So here I am, still a little shocked by my dream, still quite tired, unsure what to think or what else to write. I guess all I can do is hang on to the happy memory and image and not focus on the conflicting reality. This coming Wednesday we are having another ultrasound so we can get some more pictures and just have the chance to see him again. I fear going into it with too much hope that we’ll see a miracle. That may sound strange. Perhaps you think there’s nothing wrong in hoping for a miracle. My fear though is that when/if I see that nothing has changed, I’ll be devastated. I’ll feel like I went back in time to that day when we first got our diagnosis. I can’t go back there. I can’t relive the complexity of emotion that overflowed that day. I just have to keep praying and trusting that God will help us through the ultrasound and will give me strength should I feel disappointed when I see the image of his head. The missing profile shot that is typically what people use when posting pics of their baby on Facebook.

Clinging to joy and the positive things is so hard. It’s like trying to recall a dream that has faded into obscurity. Jeremiah has been so good at reminding me and pointing to the many good things God has done through it all. I have to replay conversations that were encouraging, much like I keep replaying my dream. I know, deep in my heart, once I get past all the vacillating emotions that can be like a pile of clutter, I find the treasure of truth. I come to that simple statement as a song says, “It’s gonna be worth it.”

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need

I will say to You
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all

I believe this

You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this

“Worth it All” by Rita Springer

this past week... and my weakness

*I started writing this last week but just couldn’t finish till now. So as you see me refer to “yesterday” I was talking about Sunday Nov 10^th.*

My Miah is amazing! Our God is amazing! Yesterday was a day full of emotion, encouragement, conviction, grief, joy, and overall just exhausting. Leading up to yesterday had been days packed full of activity and responsibility and we just kept praying for grace and strength for each day. God carried us through!

The service yesterday at church was led by the youth. My Miah is currently the volunteer youth leader and he has been serving them so well in that role. The youth helped as greeters, led worship, prayed, gave testimonies, took up the offering, did special music, ran sound… and were simply wonderful! Jeremiah gave a short sermon at the end that was very difficult for him to share, but had such an impact on so many, including us! It was very emotional as he referenced Brody, and looked at me saying things like, “You have no idea how hard it is to look into that beautiful face and see her heart breaking…” He had us all crying through it, but not just because of our sorrow. His main point is that we have no excuse for not submitting to and serving God. We’re so good at making them though. “You don’t know what I’m going through, you don’t know what he/she did to me, I’m too tired, I served my time and now it’s someone else’s turn, it’s my day off…” Christ is our perfect example in that, “‘He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.’ When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.  ‘He himself bore our sins’ in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; ‘by his wounds you have been healed.’” I Peter 2:22-24.  In order to submit to Christ and one another, we have to surrender our will.  I had to say, I surrender my will that Brody would be healed physically and come with us.  At the end he played “Surrender” by Lincoln Brewster. A song I had never heard till after our diagnosis, and I can’t listen to it without hot tears stinging my cheeks.

I have to re-surrender every day. So many days I feel like saying, “it’s not fair and I quit”. Last Wednesday I did that for a while. I spent nearly the whole day on the couch crying off and on. In part I think my body needed the rest and break from the business. However, I also gave in to the sorrow and toyed with bitterness. Every Wednesday is hard since we learned Brody’s diagnosis on a Wednesday, but that particular week I allowed my heart and mind to simmer in the pot of self-pity. Little bubbles of anger, despair, depression, stubborn bitterness, and the kind of sorrow that makes you shut down kept rising to the surface. I couldn’t even load the dishwasher or put the wet clothes in the dryer. I wanted to cancel the piano lesson I do before Awana and stay home from church. When Miah came home he hugged me and asked what was wrong. I just shrugged my shoulders and said I was sad and tired of being sad. He had to get going but offered to cover for me at church. I said no, I’d figure something out. By nothing less than an act of God, I got up, washed my face, got dressed, grabbed a bite to eat, and headed to the piano lesson. God gave me strength and grace to get through that half hour. Then I prepared for Awana and He gave me grace for the next step, and the next. Before I knew it I had fulfilled my normal responsibilities and prepared a lot for the upcoming Sundays. As I worked in the sound room preparing cues for the song set the next Sunday I was like a fly on the wall for the K-1st grade counsel time. Kristin did a wonderful job talking about heaven to these precious little ones. As I typed, edited, and chose pretty fall backgrounds for the lyrics of upcoming songs, I couldn’t help but let my heart soften as I thought of heaven and how Christ has provided the way. I was reminded that our Brody will get to go straight there and live in the presence of Jesus, free from the sorrow of this world. I have to will myself to focus on that truth.

There are days that feel “normal”. I get busy with my four little jobs, work around the house, run errands, etc. I feel joy, I laugh, I enjoy the little things. Then there are moments that take me by surprise and I cry yet again. I’ve learned to not be too surprised by that sudden surge of pain when I thought I was “fine”.  I’ve also learned that I can worship in all circumstances and all emotions. I’m allowed to feel sorrow while choosing to still trust Him. As Angie Smith explains so beautifully in her book, “I Will Carry You”, there is a sacred dance of grief and joy.

God grant me the strength for this day. Allow me to feel joy as I think of you and our true home in heaven. Help me to rest in your peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank you for your Word that is living and relevant. Thank you for providing encouragement through my fellow believers. Let my life, and Brody’s, glorify You today!