Thursday, January 16, 2014
January 15th. Brody’s due date is exactly one month away! Feb 15th seemed so far away when we first learned he was coming into our lives. I like to think back to that morning as we prepared to head to the airport to go to France. I took three tests but still could hardly believe it. The whole time we were there doing work projects and preparing for the music festival I felt so distracted! But for a good reason. God gave us such joy as we went to the Dr. the morning after returning home and they confirmed my three tests. We enjoyed every step of the way as we told family and friends. I was blown away by the response at our church and when I posted the news on Facebook. The whole time I wanted to remind people that we were given extremely low odds – less than 1% mind you! I wanted everyone to join us in praising our God who placed this little life in ours.
October 2nd will probably remain the most exhausting day of my life. I remember feeling strange as we headed to our ultrasound appointment. We were excited to find out blue or pink, but I had a certain uneasiness. I just wanted to know that everything was fine – and at that point I had no idea of all the possible diagnoses you can discover at this 20 week anatomy check.
One point I want to make clear as we enter this last month with our Brody. We are still just as excited that God granted us this little life to grow inside me, to be ours. We are perhaps even more excited to meet him and hold him. God is still just as powerful in initiating life when the odds were against us. He is still just as good!
Christmas and New Years were not as hard as I anticipated. All the celebration and fun times with family and friends helped distract from the pain. I did break down a few times, but overall they were joyous days. As I’ve been in a flurry of planning and preparing these last few weeks there have been lots of tears. Granted the hormones probably aren’t helping! As I pack the cute little clothes we’ve picked out for him I cry thinking that I’ll only put them on him once. I fold the blanket my mom made and think of how we’ll bring it home without him. I call a contact about organ donation who was very sweet and commended me for being the mother I am to him… which just leads to more tears. I understand the thought and appreciate the compliment, but then I think of how I don’t really get to be his mom as I first anticipated. I also talked to a lady about milk donation. I know I want to pursue this option, but then I wonder how I’ll feel getting up in the night to pump and not having my boy to hold as I do. Can I really handle it? I can barely handle talking about it now. We went to the funeral home which has graciously offered us almost everything for free. We walked through a show room looking at urns, all while I felt Brody kicking strong. I just nodded and said thank you through our meeting, and then as we left I barely made it out the door before losing it. I felt like I had been holding my breath the whole time we were in there.
I sometimes hate writing all this down, cause my intention is certainly not to be depressing or cause anyone pain. There is a curious thing about pain and suffering though. We all have our different experiences in life that cause suffering and I think there are two things we all have in common. We want to know we are not alone in our pain, and yet we want everyone to know our pain is unique and can’t fully be understood by others. Those can be contradictory thoughts though. How can we share our pain with others and yet tell them they can’t possibly understand it? Thankfully we have someone who can understand and who never leaves us alone. Christ took the weight of the world on him when he died on the cross. As I was reminded by one of the wisest, strongest, woman I know, even He, the Son of God, questioned the Father. He knew the purpose He was born for, and yet He asked if there could be another way.
In my emotional day that was the 15th, I had moments of, “It’s just not fair!” I couldn’t even go to Awana and face all the precious children. Then of course I felt guilty for thinking and feeling that. But as I was reminded, it’s ok. Christ knows our pain and God did not scorn him for questioning the plan. The important part of Christ’s example that we need to be careful not to leave out though is that He still submitted to God’s will. He struggled, suffered, and questioned, but ultimately trusted and submitted. As I cried last night with Miah right on up to the last moments of the day, I thought about all these things. And I felt peace. I felt a moment of His love and assurance surround me like the warm comforter I snuggled up in. It makes me think now of these verses – “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed… Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” II Corinthians 4:8-9 and 16-18