Vivid dream

Wrote this several weeks ago after a dream I had. Hasn't been my only Brody dream... but was the most detailed and vivid!

I had the most vivid dream last night. I woke up in the hospital and Jeremiah handed me our baby. I knew it was Brody, but didn’t know how we got there. He said we had an emergency c-section and I couldn’t remember a thing. But there we were with our Brody Micah. I held him and felt nothing but joy! I searched his face and began talking to him and touching his nose and cheeks. He behaved more like a 3 or 4 month old as he smiled and looked around, made noises and reacted to my voice. He was perfect! I was in love. Again, this was a dream, but I didn’t know it yet. It felt completely real. Our family came in and everyone was happy and celebrating and admiring our beautiful baby Brody. Then, it suddenly occurred to me. “Jeremiah! He has a skull! He has hair!” It was short and very straight, almost spikey, and a soft brown. I ran my fingers from his forehead to the back of his neck. It was so perfectly round. “I don’t understand… it’s all there, what does this mean?!” Jeremiah looked confounded and just shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. More family was coming in and I had to go to the bathroom. It was more like a large public bathroom with various patients, nurses, visitors, and doctors alike using it. I was in a fog of shock and pure hope. I washed my hands and saw one of my nurses next to me. I asked her, “is he fine?!” She didn’t seem to understand what I was asking. “Brody, he was diagnosed with anencephaly, but his skull is there! Is he going to live?!” She looked surprised. “He was? Anencephaly? They saw that on the ultrasound? That has to be a mistake, he’s perfectly normal as far as I can tell. I fell on the bathroom floor and wept. People were moving all around me trying not to stare. She laughed and helped me to my feet. “It’s ok! He’s going to be fine!” I couldn’t stop crying (in my dream still!) and I asked her if she could send in the Dr. and could he do any tests like measure brain waves? I needed him to say officially to me and all our family that either the diagnosis was wrong or a miracle had happened. She laughed again and said sure! I went on to explain how they sent us to the hospital for another ultrasound and had a specialist confirm the diagnosis. She just kept looking astonished as though surely they had it wrong all along. Perhaps she couldn’t believe in a miracle. I returned to our hospital room, bustling with family and scooped Brody up into my arms. No one else seemed to realize what I did. I couldn’t speak but then I smelled puke. IN MY DREAM I vividly remember smelling it first and then looking down and seeing he had spit up a little. I smiled and wiped his chin, then kept caressing his perfect head. I can still hear the conversation around me as I was completely focused on Brody. I can see his face and his spikey soft hair. I can nearly feel him in my arms. The Dr. came in and, like the nurse, acted very surprised that we had that diagnosis and half chuckled saying he was just fine!

I think it was at that moment that I suddenly woke up. I lied there unable to move. I didn’t’ open my eyes or move but I was quite clearly awake. Slowly, I realized I had been asleep, and it was all a dream. It was so incredibly real and I was surprised that I didn’t feel a shock of sorrow when realizing it was a dream. It just sunk in very slowly and I didn’t move or open my eyes for fear of forgetting one detail. I willed my mind to hone in on the image of his face, the feel of his soft hair, the sounds he made, how I felt when discovering he would go home with us. I remember in the dream when I fell on the floor crying that one of the first things I told the nurse was that we didn’t even bring a car seat to the hospital! I was afraid to open my eyes cause then I might have lost the image and it would become all the more – just a dream. I was trying to hang on and make it reality. I think I dozed back off because I was startled when my alarm went off; declaring the reality of morning, though I don’t think it was more than a few minutes later. I grabbed it and turned it off and still didn’t move. I was in a strange state of shock. I don’t have time to fall back asleep in the morning as the Walton boys come all of 15 minutes after my alarm so I normally jump out of bed to avoid missing their knock on the door. But I just lied there. I realized I dropped off to sleep again when the real baby Brody woke me up with a kick. I smiled and said “thank you Brody!” I got up and went about my morning routine. The boys came, I got the older two to the bus, came back and had breakfast with Caeson, and then grabbed my computer to save every detail I could remember. I keep replaying it all in my head for fear of the image fading and disappearing from my mind. I can’t decide what to make of it all. I don’t know if I should feel horribly grieved that I had this dream that is likely only to be a tease… a false reality… a dream that will never come true. Or maybe I should feel joy remembering how happy I was in the dream and the chance I had to hold and talk to “Brody”. Should I feel confused? Why would I have this dream? Is God telling me something? Is it just a projection of my deepest hope? Is it the ice cream I had around 9pm the night before?

So here I am, still a little shocked by my dream, still quite tired, unsure what to think or what else to write. I guess all I can do is hang on to the happy memory and image and not focus on the conflicting reality. This coming Wednesday we are having another ultrasound so we can get some more pictures and just have the chance to see him again. I fear going into it with too much hope that we’ll see a miracle. That may sound strange. Perhaps you think there’s nothing wrong in hoping for a miracle. My fear though is that when/if I see that nothing has changed, I’ll be devastated. I’ll feel like I went back in time to that day when we first got our diagnosis. I can’t go back there. I can’t relive the complexity of emotion that overflowed that day. I just have to keep praying and trusting that God will help us through the ultrasound and will give me strength should I feel disappointed when I see the image of his head. The missing profile shot that is typically what people use when posting pics of their baby on Facebook.

Clinging to joy and the positive things is so hard. It’s like trying to recall a dream that has faded into obscurity. Jeremiah has been so good at reminding me and pointing to the many good things God has done through it all. I have to replay conversations that were encouraging, much like I keep replaying my dream. I know, deep in my heart, once I get past all the vacillating emotions that can be like a pile of clutter, I find the treasure of truth. I come to that simple statement as a song says, “It’s gonna be worth it.”

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need

I will say to You
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all

I believe this

You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this

“Worth it All” by Rita Springer